You're Changing Your Heart

In this post I think I'm going to recount my top 5 all time favorite songs.  Here we go!

1. "Buzz Saw" by Xiu Xiu.  I'm not sure why but I think it is in the simple honesty which Jamie writes and sings this song (and all of his songs).  It such a somber quiet song and you can just feel the sense of loss and longing in his voice.

[Quote] "I'm not like that.  I'm not so good.  you'll want to run away for us"

2. "Slow Dance on the Inside" by Taking Back Sunday.  I'm totally not afraid to say I LOVE THIS SONG.  Another really romantic song.  It nearly brings me to tears with all the different emotions it conveys and I can relate to.  Plus, I've always been a sucker for sing-song choruses and gang vocals.

[Quote] "This glass house is burning down, if you light the match I'll stick around.  I'll give you everything you want and wish the worst on what I was"

3. "The Saddest Story Ever Told" by The Magnetic Fields.  Its a sad sad song with a great dance beat.  You really can't beat that, just dance your tears away all through the night.  Its got a slightly muddy 60s sound that I love in a lot of their music.

[Quote] "Those days are gone, you and I where young those summer nights.  you'll see the world diving for a girl you'll never find...and then we'll quietly grow old, the saddest story ever told"

4. "Its Gonna Take a Miracle" by Laura Nyro.  Laura Nyro is basically the most amazing vocalist to ever live on this green earth.  She has such a heartbroken and soulful voice.  Its almost like she is singing you a personal lullaby.  Its so amazing how someone can pour themselves into their work like she did.  Its even more unfortunate that after a life of heart break and constant depression she finally settled down with the love of her life and died soon after.

[Quote] "Its gonna take a miracle to make me love someone new 'cause I'm crazy for you"

5.  "Half Right" by Elliot Smith.  Elliot Smith has this crippling way of orchestrating a song.  His quiet yet distressed voice conveying his somber songs really tare straight through me.  Especially in this very pared down song.  The quiet almost humming vocals are really amazing and so heart wrenching.  He was yet another artist who took his life only after his 3rd album was released and he was in the midst of record "From a Basement on a Hill".  Sometimes just listening to his songs can bring me to tears or make me smile from ear to ear. 

[Quote]"Well you shouldn't talk to yourself.  Well I pictured somebody else, someone that looks like what I look like"

There is obviously many, many more songs I love and hold close to my heart but these are the all time top 5 that I will never put behind me.  

-Chris

The Desert is the Sand

Over the past few days I have been re-evaluating my life and the people in it.  I've become increasingly frustrated and exhausted when I look back to certain events/people/things that have happened to me and are currently going on.

I am extremely frustrated with one of my best friends.  Over and over I have helped her with multiple tasks even when it wasn't the best timing for me.  Yet when I receive a call while heading into Boston, and feeling sick already, asking me to pick her up at 11:30 p.m. when I have to be up at 5:00 a.m. the next day that I explain I can't do it she gets mad at me.  Obviously I'm taken back by this and I've acted as her personal taxi driver many times in my life.  At the age of 20 she still manages to have no license, no car, nothing but a permit.  It amazes me that for someone who so obviously needs a car, or at least a license, that she hasn't been more motivated to get it.  Yet she relies on me to spring up at will and get her when ever it suites her.

As far as the situation with Brian.  I haven't been able to get it off my mind.  It is driving me insane.  I just want to hear him say what is on his mind, he never does, even when we where together.  He is like a statue and I have no idea why I even try.  I shouldn't care because it is no longer my job to and I'm not sure it ever really was.

As far as Jamie goes.  I really love him and I really mean all those things I tell him.  I just don't know if he is ready to take the step of marriage or even living together.  I'm not sure he even knows where he is heading or what he wants out of life.  I understand living in the moment and everything but there comes a time where you have to look forward to some extent.  I just need to get the hell out of Natick... 

...Yet in another sense I miss Mike, we use to have so much fun.  He would force me out into the world.  He was the kind of friend to wake you up and shake you and make you see what you where missing and then take you to go get it.  He helped me get through my high school years sane and safely.  He made me enjoy life when I had no reason to.  I think tomorrow I will pick up the phone and call him and make plans to do something with him.  Just plans to set a date to do something, anything, because its never a dull moment with Mike around.  He is one of the people who even if I leave Natick and this whole area behind, I will always stay in touch with no matter the cost.  This brings me to my next thought...

...I've been debating leaving everything and everyone here behind.  It sounds mean and all but I think it would be the healthiest things for all parties involved.  I can't handle seeing people I am so mad at and smiling like nothing is wrong and we are totally cool with each other.  Maybe Jamie and I will move to Gloucster where we can live in peace and quiet for once.  Maybe everything will pan out and play its role in this area, who knows?  All I'm sure of is I need a change and that I can't stay up feeling the way I do.

Good night,

-Chris

Crowded to the future

You can't please all the people all the time.

I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose

Sunday night Jamie, his sister and I all piled up into my green Lumina and sped off into the distance.  we ventured to the Blue Hills and hiked to the top of the mountain and watched the views of the city below us.

After this adventure we went up to Danvers way up on 128 north and ate at Denny's where we had the most amazing waitress ever.  We ended up eating everything and giving her a $10 tip.  We then headed up to Salisbury beach where I started doing more of my photos and they came out beautiful.

That night has made me feel so much better about life in general lately.

"Oh Gloucester beaches

Rocky shores

Outstretched arms

And midnight crashes

Drive me under

Big waters

Hold me down

Don't let go"

I think I'll be a good ghost

I'm tired.  I'm tired of never being happy, Of having no one around, of just wishing I could not feel like this anymore.  I can't stand it I really don;t trust myself at this point and I am far beyond content with life.  I don't know what I need to do but it must be something drastic.

I wanted to see the beach tonight, I wanted to see some friends tonight, I wish I wasn't alive tonight.

Trouble sounds like a comforting word

So for the 5th semester in a row I will not be getting into the classes I need to get my major completed at Montserrat College of Cunts.  This is why I hate this school.  This is why I am so stressed out constantly.  This is why I no longer care if I live or die.

This has been the most frustrating and disappointing time of my life to date.  I have been so drained of any will that I can hardly justify to myself why I should continue on this downward path of self destruction.

I give up.

-Chris

There was a night and a lady bright

You know, I have really grown to enjoy the art of Joel Peter Witkin.  His work may be slightly disturbing [if not excessively disturbing at times].  Yet the amazing detail and his sense of contrast and atmosphere is so impressive and astounding that I really can't imagine a more beautiful sight.  

While he does use dead bodies and while that is very unconventional to say the least, he still has a great sense of beauty and form.  His work is all about the sublime in life and the beauty in the disturbing and macabe.

with that I shall leave you too yourselves.  [the image is one o Joel Peter Witkins]

Breaking The Law

Besides my day being overly exhausting and not downing Mag'theredon last night in WoW it was good.  My mother and I went to brookline down near Coolidge Corner and got some Mexican food and coffee while roaming around and looking in all the funky shops there.

I've been overly tired recently.  I'm not sure why, I mean, I get like 10 hours of sleep already but I can't seem to get a full rest.  It is getting extreamly annoying.

Tomorrow I'm heading over to Jamie's once he is out of work and probably gonna WoW and eat pizza or something.  I miss him whenever I'm not around him.

Well I'm gonna sleep, HASTA!

-Chris

I can give you what you want

Today couldn't end fast enough.  I was exhausted, no, beyond exhausted...I couldn't believe I survived the drive home from school without crashing into a ditch.  My eyes could barely open let alone focus and it was a constant struggle for me to keep them from rolling into the back of my head.

So before I hung out with Natalia I tried to take a nap.  Yet obviously my body was having none of this "nap" bull shit so I just ended up laying on my back in bed.  It was enough to take the edge of that coma like state and Natalia called me at 3 so I went to pick her up at the Library.

We did some WoWing and walked to Honey Farms like we use to in the summer.  It made me excited for those midnight walks again.  Nothing compares to being out in a silent city, dead quiet and all alone with yourself and your friends while everyone else is all wrapped up in their bed sheets.  Kings of these suburban highways.

All pro's aside, I'm gonna drink my tea and head to sleep.  Later.

-Chris

Trash into trash equals trash flavored trash

Today I woke up early to go help my uncle to move my grandma's stove outside so they could get rid of it.  Its not until you start to spend time around my grandparents that you start t realize that maybe they aren't the picture of perfect health that you assume they are.  Its sad too because I really do love my grandparents and they've been really nice to me but the more you over hear the more you just want to pretend.

Besides that I haven't done much productive today.  Last night Jamie, Natalia and I went to Tom Can Cook for some thai food.  It was good as always.  I got a $15 parking ticket from the Cunts of Newton, that was a huge bummer...because they are douche-bags.

Well I'm gonna go veg-out, later

-Chris

You picked up a Bible and now you're gone

Today Natalia and I hung out for a while,  We went and got her hair cut at J.C. Penny's hair salon.  It is very short and came out good.  [Very dyke-ish, regardless of what she says]  

After this short stint in the Penny Salon we came back and played some video games until Jamie was out of work.  It was his mothers B-day so we celebrated with a lot of pizza...like 5 of them.  I'm so full right now its not even funny, I think I'm going to die.

Tomorrow I think I'm gonna just lay in bed all day and go "ugh...".  It's late night and the mass pike tomorrow night, it will be interesting and spur of the moment-ish.

I'm off to WoW, later

-Chris

And then we'll quietly grow old, the saddest story ever told

Tonight I'm almost positive that Natalia, Jamie and I are going to be heading to some sort of beach that we have yet to visit and explore.  Its been really nice to see Natalia again even though we don't really do much worth mentioning, its that familiar human contact.

She is currently in a somewhat affair.  She makes fun of it a lot but I know deep down that she is really worried/nervous about it.  That worries me because I don't want to end up seeing her falling apart over something like this.

[INTERMISSION: I'm not doing anything in photo class as usual]

After driving to school today I realized I didn't have enough gas to make it back home.  Luckily there was enough money in my bank account to cover some gas, once class is out I plan to get it at the Hess up here since it is hell-of-a-lot cheaper here then anywhere near my house.

I think I'm going to end up canceling plans with Brian for sunday.  I think its for the best for both of us because we are too stubborn to admit what we both want to say.

Today in good 'ole Rob Roy's Drawing II class we had the worlds longest critique which spanned 3 hours and only covered about 5 peoples works in total.  Between wanting to die and feeling dead, that class single handedly sucked all the life out of me.

ITS ALMOST TIME FOR "LATE NIGHT AND THE MASS PIKE" which is gonna be hella epic. CHYEA-YEA-YEA!

Last night Testified got into<exercitus> which is an endgame raid guild in KZ/Gruuls/Mag/SSC/TK and soon to be Hyjal.  

I got her some awesome loot and the people where all laid-back and kind. [link to armory: Testified ]

Other then that I've started reading a new book "The Delivery Man" which is a very interesting book.  I refuse to tell you what its about, you must go find out for yourself!!!!

with that I think I'm gonna head off to pretend to do work.

-Chris

You where on my mind at least 9/10ths of yesterday

Today school went slow and long as I expected and have grown quite use to.  Other then that nothing eventful to report on that front.

Tonight Natalia and I did some WoW KZ raiding, we didn't get to down any bosses due to the glitches in mob reset times but it was god to get her feet wet either way.  We also got free repair bills.  The other fun thing is I'm getting a lot of new gear on both Testified and Zurrp soon, which is lucky since they are probably 2 of the least appreciated classes in the game.

In other news; have you ever gotten spam mail so amazingly obscene/funny/stupid that you can't help but laugh your ass off?!  well that happened to me today so I feel I should share it with you.

[WARNING: SEXUAL EXPLICIT AND FULL OF LOL]

You might be thinking to yourself, how come an exotic Oriental fetish such as bukkake could become so popular. It's pretty clear, really. It's all about traditional, conservative values. And what is more common or conservative than publicly humiliating females who cheat on their husbands by dragging them into the public square, binding them tightly with ropes and having every able-bodied male in town shoot hot loads of thick, burbling man-sap into the offending wenches' pleading, upturned faces?

Nowadays, bukkake isn't a disciplinary action... it's a way of life! Modern, liberated young women of all races, colors and creed have awoken to the erotic potentials of this practice, and today, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a gal who likes it directly up on the face, or straight down the throat, or in the eyes, or all over their heads, whatever way they can get it, really.

If you desire your models cute, your content exclusive and your facials hardcore, then
[deleted link cause this sites full of AIDS] is certainly what you have been searching for.

Now, if that isn't the best spam mail ever, I don't wanna know what is.

Tomorrow I am skipping photo in the morning because if I go I get to have a 5 hour gap in between that and a 3 hour history class.  So I'm just gonna go take pictures then head in mid day or something.  We shall see.

Until then I can be found eating my frozen potato skins, hasta hasta!

-Chris

Mouth Wooed Him

I always feel bad when I go to Rob Roy's class because I never really take it or him seriously. He is an amazing artist and what not but his advice is so non-intrusive that its hard to even listen to his opinion on anything.  To boot we have a critique today which usually means he will babble on for an hour and no one will talk at all besides him.

  Besides that I have Gabriel's photo class today and even though I'm a photo major I hate that class.  We really haven't done anything of note or mention except for the latest assignment.   So thats one entire semester of wasted energy.

  Tomorrow I get to have a 5 1/2 hour gap in my day between Adv. Color Photo and History of Photo.  Why they assume this is a great idea, I have no clue at all.  So I think Panera's/Denny's is in the cards for tomorrow .

  ALSO; Jamie, don't worry that you woke me up, you only woke me up like 5 minuets before my alarm was going to go off so its not like I was missing out on massive amounts of sleep.

And I think thats pretty much a wrap for right now, until next time...

-Chris