The Desert is the Sand

Over the past few days I have been re-evaluating my life and the people in it.  I've become increasingly frustrated and exhausted when I look back to certain events/people/things that have happened to me and are currently going on.

I am extremely frustrated with one of my best friends.  Over and over I have helped her with multiple tasks even when it wasn't the best timing for me.  Yet when I receive a call while heading into Boston, and feeling sick already, asking me to pick her up at 11:30 p.m. when I have to be up at 5:00 a.m. the next day that I explain I can't do it she gets mad at me.  Obviously I'm taken back by this and I've acted as her personal taxi driver many times in my life.  At the age of 20 she still manages to have no license, no car, nothing but a permit.  It amazes me that for someone who so obviously needs a car, or at least a license, that she hasn't been more motivated to get it.  Yet she relies on me to spring up at will and get her when ever it suites her.

As far as the situation with Brian.  I haven't been able to get it off my mind.  It is driving me insane.  I just want to hear him say what is on his mind, he never does, even when we where together.  He is like a statue and I have no idea why I even try.  I shouldn't care because it is no longer my job to and I'm not sure it ever really was.

As far as Jamie goes.  I really love him and I really mean all those things I tell him.  I just don't know if he is ready to take the step of marriage or even living together.  I'm not sure he even knows where he is heading or what he wants out of life.  I understand living in the moment and everything but there comes a time where you have to look forward to some extent.  I just need to get the hell out of Natick... 

...Yet in another sense I miss Mike, we use to have so much fun.  He would force me out into the world.  He was the kind of friend to wake you up and shake you and make you see what you where missing and then take you to go get it.  He helped me get through my high school years sane and safely.  He made me enjoy life when I had no reason to.  I think tomorrow I will pick up the phone and call him and make plans to do something with him.  Just plans to set a date to do something, anything, because its never a dull moment with Mike around.  He is one of the people who even if I leave Natick and this whole area behind, I will always stay in touch with no matter the cost.  This brings me to my next thought...

...I've been debating leaving everything and everyone here behind.  It sounds mean and all but I think it would be the healthiest things for all parties involved.  I can't handle seeing people I am so mad at and smiling like nothing is wrong and we are totally cool with each other.  Maybe Jamie and I will move to Gloucster where we can live in peace and quiet for once.  Maybe everything will pan out and play its role in this area, who knows?  All I'm sure of is I need a change and that I can't stay up feeling the way I do.

Good night,

-Chris